I will die if light touches me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
