You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We got so high we made milksteak
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
