hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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