Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
