four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
