Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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