Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
