you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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