Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Randomize
