Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
