I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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