Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
MIDGETS
????
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize