capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
