If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
