Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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