my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
