I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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