I just gift wrapped bread.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
