Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
