I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
