just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
