The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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