Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
