soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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