I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Jerry, you need to find god
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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