Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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