If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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