Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
FUCK WHALES
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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