Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
