you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
