i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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