I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize