you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
