i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
