I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
