I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
