I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
