what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
