Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
