I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
