Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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