I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
