I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
