It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
