Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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