Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
