we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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