how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So here I am, sexting at work.
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