From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
