at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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