Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
