I accidentally burped into my bong.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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