My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
