This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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