I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
