I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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