tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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