Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
