life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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