You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
