I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
COCAINE IS GR8
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