My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Sorry about my life...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
