please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
