no, he came in my armpit
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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