Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
