I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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