My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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