The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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