I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
