I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
