doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
