Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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