Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize