my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
