I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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