Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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